Potter Puppet Pals: The Drinking Game
by WeirdnessTimesTwo
Summary: The Potter Puppet Pals want to give you alcohol poisoning, or diabetes. We suggest you only - HARRY: NO! NO! You'll use alcohol and you'll like it! Read, enjoy, and get wasted! Don't listen to Harry. You die if you use alcohol. So use M&Ms. M&Ms are ta


HARRY: Hey, losers. As if our Potter Puppet gang weren't cool enough, except for Neville, we've created a drinking game. As long as you don't actually use alcohol, the worst that'll happen is you'll have to pee a lot, so make sure you keep a bathroom nearby, or a bottle, if you're into that.

NEVILLE: Or you could do what I do and just go find Malfoy.

*awkward silence*

HERMIONE: Anyway, since it's a pain in the ass to keep going back and forth between tabs, I suggest you print out the list, or write it down.

HARRY: Writing's for losers who don't have a printer!

HERMIONE: Some people DON'T have a printer, Harry.

HARRY: Yeah, people who've been in comas since the stone ages.

HERMIONE: You're such a bastard.

HARRY: And you have yet to explain why smart bitches are so much better!

HERMIONE: Well, at least I –

SNAPE: Quick! Start the list before we go horribly off-topic like we always do!

RON: What's a topic?

WITHOUT FURTHER ADO, JESS, JESSIE, AND GUEST WRITER DEREK PRESENT:

THE POTTER PUPPET PALS in

THE HOGWARTS DRINKING GAME

HERMIONE: You can't have a drinking game without rules. Here are the rules. Every guideline is considered a running gag. Never force a drink upon anyone unless they have forgotten theirs. No drinking outside the set guidelines. Drink as many and only as many drinks as are written for each guideline. Make sure to –

HARRY: Yeah, yeah, yeah, of course Herhymen talks about the boring stuff. Anyway, here are the guidelines:

There's a "hidden" celebrity reference: 1 drink

Ron mentions homosexuality: 3 drinks

Anyone ELSE mentions homosexuality: 1 drink

Neville makes someone uncomfortable: 2 drinks

Harry is an asshole: 1 drink

There's a reference to funny candy: 2 drinks

Someone is ON funny candy: 1 drink per line

Snape takes away points: 2 drinks

Ron asks, "What's a _?": 3 drinks

'Bastard' vs. 'Smart Bitch': 2 drinks

There's an unusual fetish: 2 drinks

"You're not a real time!": 1 drink

Other unusual insult: 2 drinks

Someone makes a ginger joke: 3 drinks

Snape gives a pointless quiz: 2 drinks

Harry and the gang bother Snape: 2 drinks

Cedric gets abducted: 1 drink, give 1 round

Voldemort runs off b/c he's irrelevant: 3 drinks

Someone refers to a running gag: 2 drinks

Our perverted jokes squik you out: 4 drinks

References to past scripts: 3 drinks

References to the current script: 3 drinks

Someone goes off-topic: 2 drinks

HARRY: Remember, if you did this game with chocolate bars, you now have diabetes. Oh, and don't sue us if you were too stupid to follow the 'No Alcohol' rule and drank yourself into liver failure. AND you have to look back to the beginning and take those drinks too, as well as in this script!

HERMIONE: Stop being an asshole! You're going to get everyone sick, because that's a guideline!

HARRY: Sweet!

VOLDEMORT: We also wouldn't be responsible if you drove while intoxicated and killed a child. But if you did kill a child, that's pretty cool.

HERMIONE: Go away, Voldemort. This one doesn't even have a plot, and if it did, it wouldn't demand you.

VOLDEMORT: Ugh, every time *goes away*

HERMIONE: Damn it! That's more drinks!

NEVILLE: So why is it awkward if I want to kill children, but not if Voldemort wants to kill children?

HARRY: Because you want to rape them after!

NEVILLE: I'm not a pedophile, that's Dumbledore. I'm a necrophile and an old lady-phile. By the way, can I have sex with the Paris corpse now?

*awkward silence*

HERMIONE: Stop making our readers sick!

*Dumbledore crossing pulling Cedric*

DUMBLEDORE: Come on, Cedric. Time to add to the liver failure.

CEDRIC: NOOOOO! I'm a foot! I'M A FOOOOOT!

DUMBLEDORE: There! Another full round!

SNAPE: 50 hundred points from Gryffinclaw!

HERMIONE: That's not a real house.

SNAPE: You're not a real house.

HERMIONE: Well, no I'm not.

SNAPE: I win. Give me all your hamcakes!

HERMIONE: Are you on funny candy again? Damn it, Snape! Plus, you referenced the second script! That's doubly bad!

SNAPE: I

Think

I'll

Talk

This

Way

From

Now

On.

HARRY: You saw it, readers. 9 lines. Bottoms up!

HERMIONE: Don't you have any regret for the poor souls reading this story and having to do the drinking? DAMN IT! I just caused more.

RON: Remember that time we tried driving, and Dumblycakes stuck his dick in the exhaust pipe, even though I wanted it in me? We shouldn't do that after reading this story and playing the game along with it.

SNAPE: I've sobered up at an unusually fast rate. Here's an oral quiz.

RON: What's an oral quiz? Does that mean a blowjob?

SNAPE: *awkward pause* Ew. Here's the question. Who is the retarded soulless homosexual?

RON: But that question's impossible!

SNAPE: Here's your hint. It's you, Ron.

RON: But which Ron are you talking about? Oh well. I'll just talk about something completely irrelevant like usual. I wish you would ask a question about me for a change, like my favorite color, which is orange, or my favorite animal, which is a blue monkey.

HERMIONE: Stop killing the readers!

*Voldemort re-enters*

VOLDEMORT: No, kill, kill, KILL!

HERMIONE: Why are you still here? You're still not important!

VOLDEMORT: Someone needs some Midol. *starts to leave, then turns around* On second thought, don't kill the readers. That's my job. *leaves*

HERMIONE: This has gone on long enough. Can we roll the credits already?

HARRY: After this ONE line in the story. Paris Hilton is now the subject of a depressed necrophilic wizard's affection, one who always takes an imaginary amount of points away from whatever house the retarded soulless homosexual is in. We always knew he was retarded and ginger, but we didn't know he was gay until the first fan-fiction script, which is oddly enough where we made our first celebrity reference. I still don't know why being a smart bitch is better than being a bastard, and probably never will know, because Snape never gives me any funny candy. And for the record, jelly beans are WAYYYYY better than kidney beans.

HERMIONE: You are such an asshole!

SNAPE: 500 bazillion turtillion points from Gryffinclaw!

HARRY: I REGRET NOTHING BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT A REAL TIME!

*CREDITS ROLL*

*CREDITS ABRUPTLY STOP*

HARRY: Wait! We forgot one! *with Hermione and Ron* BOTHER BOTHER BOTHER BOTHER BOTHER! Ok, men, and Ron, as you were. Credits CONTINUE!

*CREDITS CONTINUE*


End file.
